This is the amount of money that I recently decided to light on fire and burn throughout the rest of my life. Not literally of course. I’m not a fucking idiot. Its a metaphor for what I am going to do with this amount of money. When I was younger, my dad told me this interesting fact: You have a better chance statistically of getting hit by lightning TWICE, than you do of winning the lottery. I do not think I am going to get struck by lightning even once let alone two times. In fact, I don’t think I’m going to get struck by lightning so much, that I would easily walk out into the middle of a field during a thunderstorm and hold a long metal rod in the air for as long as anyone would dare me to. Not literally of course. I’m not a fucking idiot.

However, despite these statistics and my thoughts about being struck by lighting, I have absolutely no problem buying a lottery ticket. My first thoughts about this are very confusing as I am usually quite a logical thinker. If these stats were put into a different context, there is no way I would choose the “lottery ticket” option. For example, if you are driving down the road and come to a cross walk, you have twice as good a chance at running into an elderly person as you would a rollerblader. Obviously my decision would be run into the elderly person (plus, they’re worth more points aren’t they?). But all seriousness aside, clearly the reason anyone plays the lottery is because of the low risk for a huge reward. Risking one dollar for the chance at winning millions sounds good to almost anybody. Even if the chances are not in your favor.

This is not the reason $16640 is guaranteed to vanish from my hands however. I used to play the lottery for fun. I’m in line at the gas station with a Mountain Dew and some Sour Patch Kids (best candy ever) and I glance up at the scrolling powerball marquee. Any number with a dollar sign at the front and the word ‘million’ on the end is appealing to me. I ask for 1, 2, or maybe even 3 quick-picks if I’m feeling ambitious. At the touch of a button 3 sets of random numbers enter my life to either change it completely or just make me a little more depressed. It was straight up fun at its best.

This changed though when I made the careless decision to start choosing my own numbers. My randomly fun game turned into a twice-a-week mental breakdown. Of course I didn’t realize the consequences of this decision until after writing down the numbers I wanted to use, which therefore stored them permanently in my brain. The problem with this is if these numbers were to ever actually be drawn and I didn’t get a lottery ticket that day, I’m not exactly sure what my actions would be but I imagine they probably wouldn’t be healthy. I enjoy producing healthy actions. So for my sanity’s sake and possibly the safety of others, I now HAVE to make sure I possess  an active lottery ticket with my numbers two times a week. There has already been some close calls. My most panic stricken moment came when I looked up at the clock on a Wednesday night at 8:30 and I realized I hadn’t bought a ticket yet. My ass was out the door without a coat on in the middle of January. Who knows what kind of stress I’ll go through if I cut it even closer.

I’m going to live well over 100 years old, if not well over 200. Thats just how long awesome people live. But for the sake of making the math realistic to the average person, lets say I live 80 more years. $1 per lottery ticket times 2 tickets per week, times 52 weeks per year, times 80 years. That works out to be $8320. Now double it as I forgot to mention the other irrational decision I made to also buy a quick-pick along with my numbers. So $16640 is assured to be gone.

Unless I win of course. Then the only thing I would have to worry about is thunderstorms. My fear of getting struck by lightning would greatly increase.