Let me preface this letter with a message to friends and family back home. Despite what you are hearing in the news, things are fine here in South Korea. I’ve received an email from the U.S. Embassy stating there is no reason to worry and I personally don’t feel unsafe at all. Everyone here is working during the day and partying at night as normal. I hope you’re all doing the same back home. That being said, if there is something up Kim Jong-Un’s ass don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

An Open Letter to Kim Jong-Un:

Yo Kim Dawg –

What’s up bro? How’s the weather to the North? It’s been holding steady around 50 degrees here in Seoul (or I suppose that’s 10 degrees to you. Americans and their damn fahrenheit, am I right?). While that temp isn’t too bad, I have to admit I’m wishing for summer weather soon. This pale skin of mine needs some color, you know what I mean?

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing this is I wanted to talk about the “headlines” you’ve been forging in the recent weeks. To say they have been causing quite the ruckus would definitely be an understatement. Now I don’t know all the politics of the situation and I’ve only lived in Seoul for a little over a month, so I won’t act like I’m an expert. But while we all need a little panic in our lives, I think we can both agree this may be a bit of overkill on your part. However, I’m not here to yell at you and return the threats back. I want to help. I realize that sometimes all you want is just someone to talk and sympathize with you. We’ve all had a bad day before. Let’s turn that frown upside down.

I want to start with something I’m sure is a sensitive subject. You’re going through a chubby phase. Ugh, tough times right? I’ve done the chubby phase thing myself and it definitely sucks. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to try and lead an entire country’s army while you’re spouting orders with those round baby face cheeks. I mean let’s be honest, it looks like the little boy scout from Pixar’s Up is making nuclear threats to the rest of the world. It’s a little ridiculous. Unless these threats really are just you trying to earn your ‘Make the World Panic of Nuclear War’ badge for North Korean boy scouts. If so, then all i can say is ‘Nailed It’!

But if not, then let me assure you that threatening the world with nuclear war won’t help. You’ll feel better at first (I know I would), but in the end it’s only going to cause more problems. How about being a little more constructive? I’m assuming you have easy access to plenty of food. And I’ve also heard that your citizens are in a state of poverty, sometimes even starving to death. Now I completely believe you that this is just a nasty rumor, probably started by America. I mean how hard is it to go to a grocery store and buy food, right? But why not be the bigger man and give some of your rations away to the people? Help the citizens and make America look like a dick. Two birds, one stone. And if it’s exercise you’re looking for, I’m always looking for a workout partner. Let me know if you ever want to hit the pavement here in Seoul or good ole’ NK (do you have pavement up there?).

I also want to talk about your social circle. Even I would find it tough to turn down a friendship with a sports star, but Dennis Rodman? Really? I’m sure he has some interesting stories to tell and he probably showed you some funny tattoo on his ass. But you chose to be friends with him in the wrong decade man. It actually just comes off as a little creepy. Why not someone a little younger and fresher. Someone that might help North Korea and South Korea see their differences. Maybe someone else going through a chubby phase? You’re damn right I’m talking about Psy! You guys could go down as the peacemakers of the Korean Peninsula. And imagine the tail that guy is pulling right now. I’m sure he would wingman some serious hotties for you. And when Psy is out of town, feel free to hit me up. I’d add you on Facebook but from what I understand the internet is blocked there? I’d get that fixed fast. Arrested Development is back May 26th! You look like a Never-Nude if I’ve ever seen one.

Lastly, I also understand it must be tough to have lost your dad last year and with you being so young. But again I think we can be constructive with this. Imagine the genes passed on to you from this guy. His birth was foretold by a swallow and heralded by a glorious double rainbow with the appearance of a new star. And he could control the weather. Damn. That’s some serious shit. And I don’t even have to mention his golf skills (18 hole-in-one’s?!?!?!? SHIT SON!!). You have to at least have some natural skill on the course. Just pick up a seven iron and give it a swing. Even if you’re half as good as the old man, PGA tour watch out! You’ll be droppin’ hole-in-one bombs on the golf course! Haha, get it? Droppin’ bombs?

Anyway, I hope my advice is helpful or at the very least put some things in perspective. Because in the end, the whole power and greed thing just isn’t important. It won’t even matter to you. And I don’t mean that in a ‘True happiness is in the little things’ kind of way. I mean that in a ‘I hope you realize the United States can and will blow you the fuck up’ kind of way. Just something to think about.

Best Regards,

Keal