I’m not even going to mention the fact that it has been very long since my last post. Lets just get into it. It has been about one month since I finished running my second marathon. Due to very cooperative weather I was even able to attain a PR(Personal Record) of 4 hours and 30 minutes. My actual time was 4 hours, 30 minutes, and 51 seconds which in all reality is closer to 4:31, but since I ran the 26.2 miles and you didn’t, I will round the numbers whichever damn way I please.

Now, given the fact that I have run two full marathons, I am fairly educated in the art of running. Specifically for long distances, I understand what it takes both physically and mentally to handle the conditions. And since I understand this from personal experience, I can tell you that running long distance is an extremely dumb thing to do. There is literally no reason to do it. It’s fruitless. I suppose there are some exceptions as to why someone would decide to tackle a task as daunting as running 26.2 miles. They might be running for a cause, such as breast cancer. They might be running in memory of someone, such as a relative that passed away or a character that has died on your favorite TV show. Or maybe it’s straight up just for the accomplishment of a difficult goal.

Whatever the reason may be, I can honestly say that none of them apply to me. I ran this marathon for absolutely no reason, at least no reason I’m aware of. I already ran the marathon once before so I had already proven I could do it. I was not running for a cause, although I do support anything that saves breasts. And I was not running in memory of anyone. I decided in early January to sign up for it. From that point I decided to train for it until race day. And then on June 19th I ran it. For no reason.

In fact, not only did I do all those things for no reason, but much of the time doing them was not fun. Here is a little cost/benefit comparison of the entire experience:

Things that sucked about the marathon:

• I voluntarily paid $90 to register.
• Living in Minnesota, my early training must occur indoors which means I sometimes run 5 or more miles on a treadmill, which sucks. (Yes, there are some people in Minnesota who run outdoors even in the middle of winter. However, these people are not dedicated runners, they are just dunce.)
• As training progresses, so does the time it takes to complete. This means after a day at work I must run instead of doing other things I enjoy (sitting on the couch, sleeping, drinking, making fun of people who run, making fun of other people for doing anything that I am not doing, eating junk food, watching TV, stalking people on facebook, etc.)
• I lose friends (or people that I see occasionally that I call friends). Running is a very lonely activity. Yes, I can run with other people, but no one I know really wants to run with me. Plus, even running with people is lonely because, well,  your running. It’s not like you BS’ing over a beer. You are running.
• The actual marathon does nothing but put my body through different stages of physical and emotional pain. My legs were essentially numb after finishing and it took over a week to walk normal. And there are only so many times the human brain can handle the phrase “You’re an Idiot” on repeat.
• I had to buy two sets of running shoes costing over $200. The first pair I bought caused my toes to bruise but by the time I realized it they were un-returnable.

Things that didn’t suck about the marathon:

• My health has increased. But really, this statement is all relative. Yes, I may be more physically healthy now, but that is only in the short term. Who knows what kind of permanent damage I caused my body. By age 30 I might be walking like an 80 year old man.
• I can overcome twentysixpointtwophobia (the fear of not being able to run 26.2 miles).
• I got a badass medal. (Wearing this in public does not impress women, but it will increase the chance of you getting called a douche.)

So it sucked way more than it didn’t suck. I’m sure this is a little more lopsided than it really should be and I know it’s good to be a “glass half full” kind of person, but anyone who thinks like that is just kidding themselves.  You know damn well that glass is half empty. And since it’s half empty, that means it’s also been sitting out a while so the contents are pretty warm and all the dust and dead skin that us humans put into the air have probably landed in the glass too. So then you think, well it’s not hard to just go get a new glass of water. But there is no way you’re going to get off that couch to get a fresh one. That’s all the way in the kitchen, which is a whole two rooms away. Plus, once you get there, there probably isn’t going to be a clean glass which means you either have to wash one or else use a dirty glass which puts you in exactly the same position that you started in.

But back to the marathon. You might be asking why the hell did I do it then? I could have stopped at any time. Well one reason is the $90 I dropped on registration was non-refundable, but really who cares. I’m sure I’ve wasted more money than that before in my life and I’m sure I will waste more in the future. So then why? In fact, why does anybody run more than one? The only theory I could come up with is something many runners will say about the sport: running is a drug. And if you really think about it, it matches all the characteristics of what a drug is:

1. The first time is free, but you will eventually end up paying money to do it (in my case $90).
2. You can actually get high from running and it is known as a “runner’s high”. I am not making this up. I have experienced it.
3. Because of this “high”, running is addicting.
4. Eventually you will run so much that it will cause physical and emotional harm (I have experienced shin splints, stress fractures, nausea, light-headedness, a hate for running, a hate of myself, a hate of other runners, pulled muscles, dehydration, diarrhea, bruised feet, blisters, sun burn, and chaffing. I will admit that I don’t drink enough water, don’t stretch, don’t wear sunscreen, don’t always wear proper athletic wear, and I generally find a way to hate things pretty easily.)

So I would say it’s been pinpointed. Running is a drug and a dangerous one at that. It may be too late for me, but it might not be for you. If you’re not a runner currently, don’t start. And if you’re just a casual runner, stop. The best way to do this is to think of the negative things that running does, not just to you but to other people. Need an example? How about the fact that running is the ultimate taunt to the disabled. I mean it’s not enough that we already walk in front of the handicapped everyday, but then on top of it people are showing that they can run just for the hell of it. And not only are people running just for the hell of it, but they are doing it for long periods of time until they actually injure themselves. If that’s not the ultimate fuck you to someone in a wheelchair, I don’t know what is. Do you want to be known as the person that says fuck you to the disabled? I didn’t think so. Don’t run.

On a side note, I’m thinking of running the marathon again next year and would enjoy a running partner. Let me know if you are interested.

Photos are courtesy of David Pollitt. Check out his shit! www.properspective.com